This week’s Sexy Sex Position for Sexy Sex is for the men. The men we work with. The men who visit our homes. The men who we lure into our bedrooms. The men who are as irresistible as they are disgusting. Men of the world, I give you the DiGiorno Delivery. Lacking the subtle niceties, this position borrows heavily from the Sexy Delivery Man stereotype but is a greater surprise as you are already ...inside.
Follow the directions for cooking your DiGiorno brand pizza as found on its box.
Obtain an old pizza box or use the original box for the DiGiorno pizza. You will need it to contain your pizza when it is cooked.
Cut hole in the box and the pizza, aligning the two so that your erect, turgid member has no problem sticking between the two like an overlarge, sensual saucisson sec.
Slowly remove your clothes, down to your delivery hat and shoes, and purposefully slide that veined masterpiece between your legs into the eager hole. Let it rub forcefully against the sides as you do. Close the lid on your package.
She wasn’t sure why she invited him over. She didn’t even have any food save for the ice cream in the freezer and the wine in the cupboard. Nonetheless she offered her apartment as the setting for a risky rendezvous; her husband wouldn’t be home for two hours but even that was cutting it close.
Sherice made a show of getting out pans and spices to cook with but the look in Jim’s eyes told her she was fooling nobody. It was the same confidence that shone back every Friday when she came out of her commissions check disputes. It was a look that said, “Don’t worry baby, Jim’s here to fix it”. She closed her eyes and almost leaned into his powerful chest but caught herself as he told her to have a seat in the living room. She opened her eyes and looked up in adoring confusion as he said, “I’ll be serving you tonight.”
“Don’t worry baby, Jim’s here to fix it”
Sherice dreamily made her way to the couch, adrift in a sea of her own heady emotion. She could hear him in the freezer, rummaging past the forgotten pints of ice cream. It made her tingle to think of his massive forearms and muscular hands going through her frozen delicacies the same way he went through her expense accounts; mercilessly.
The chime of the oven and the tearing of cardboard floated to the couch like a warm Summer’s breeze. A frozen pizza; what a connoisseur. Sherice found herself reeling, her head spinning as she sat in the living room. Gently, she lifted herself up to wash up in the bathroom sink. The peace of the bathroom and the cool water on her face calmed her eager head. She took a deep breath, opened the bathroom door, and was utterly stunned. There he stood, a mountain of man framed by a miniaturized doorway holding a pizza box. He opened the lid of the box with a wild look in his eye; sausage pizza, her favorite. He said in a gravelly tone, “Did somebody, order in?”
“A frozen pizza; what a connoisseur.”
With ravenous lust Sherice threw herself at his sausage circled in piping hot cheese, steamy sauce, and perfectly crispy crust. Enraptured with the bounty before her she shot him an adoring look of desperation. Sherice pushed Jim back into the refrigerator tearing into the pizza, ravaging the crust, crushing heavily herbed cheese and creamy sauce in her hungry maw. Molten cheese dripping from her chin she alternated bites of spicy sausage and chewy crust, massaging them into each other driving Jim’s eyeballs back into his head as he moaned loudly. She threw him onto the still-warm oven, spattering grease across its door. Sherice pulled him forward, backed him into the table and-
Clean the cheese from the refrigerator, front of the oven, the grease from the ceiling, and dispose of your saucisson sec. The end.