Well me and the Organ Brothers got into it over the other half of our handle of whiskey and it was decided a statement had to be made. Over the next hour we assigned roles and left the joint. By 1AM I’m standing in a rainy field in Upstate New York over twins, middle aged, green eyes staring out of pale faces made more pale by the car’s headlights. I looked around and realized we were knee deep in this and there was no going back.
Kidneys didn’t even have to work them over. They were basically catatonic from the time we picked them up. They didn’t blink when Pancreas decked the old butler and dragged him into the closet. Made me wonder if they liked him. Didn’t even put up a fight while we tied them up. I started to wonder if they were alright upstairs but the nausea got the better of my attention. I stepped back, just outside the circle.
"They were basically catatonic from the time we picked them up."
Around them my crew was starting to get a little antsy. L. Intestine kept crouching in front of the one, brandishing his knife and staring him down. S. Intestine’s hands twitched around in his pockets for action. Stomach ignored all of us in favor of an oversized Mars bar. Kidneys and Pancreas were having a heart to heart argument about their mutual preference of knives over guns. Sadists. Heart paced impatiently but we were still on schedule even with the mistakes at the house and the silent nutjobs. The pain in my abdomen spoke up so I closed my eyes and raised my face to the cool rain.
L. Intestine read my mind and got down again, this time speaking in a violent drawl,
“Maybe they just need a little convincing boss.”
S. Intestine, half a beat behind hopped up and down.
“Yeah, just a little convincing!”
“Maybe my knife can help you remember baldy? He’s good at getting into tricky places.”
“Yeah and he gets out real good too!”
Kidneys looked on hungrily and her eyes flashed at the mention of violence. Pancreas grinned wild and maniacal his blood still boiling from the hurt he put on the butler. I wasn’t about to argue with any of them at this point; neither of the captives had uttered a word since we met at the chalet and our grace period was running out.
Liver looked worriedly in my direction and then quickly at Heart. “Wait, we’re not going to hurt them are we?” It was a voice that didn’t want to get hands dirty. My nausea agreed with him. Mostly because I didn’t want to clean those hands. Not after last time with the Intestine Twins.
Heart looked calmly back at Liver and around the circle. “Well, as they’re the only pair in the family who we can access, it would be in everyone’s favor if they started talking,” he said levelly, crouching down to the slumped figures. The closer twin turned his head and looked back to say, “I don’t feel well.”
Spleen burst out almost cheerfully, “Well lookit that, it speaks! Now maybe you can tell us what we brought you here for, whaddya say?” He walked to the second bald head and pulled it back looking the captive in the eye. “Would you do that, for ol’ Uncle Spleeny?”
“Would you do that, for ol’ Uncle Spleeny?”
The vacant eyed face stared up, illuminated by the headlights from the car. In Spleen’s grasp the brow furrowed and the lips puckered fatly and he yawned technicolor, splashing bile onto Spleen’s shoes. Spleen jumped back yelling a couple hasty obscenities at the hunched over figure and he aimed a kicked for the ribs. The ailing twin took the blow, his yellow mouth dripping between his legs. Stomach chuckled with the Intestines and Heart allowed a small smile. The rain did little to wash the stench of vomit in grass and I doubled over to keep myself from adding to the pile.
Spleen glared around the circle a little rattled and not a little menacing. He stepped back across to the twins and put his gun to the back of the head of his antagonist. “Go on you little puke, do it again, I dare you.” Heart stepped forward to catch Spleen’s eye.
“If you blow his head off, we never get into that safe.”
“Fuck it, he ruined my good shoes.” Spleen’s eyes tattooed murder all over the bald head.
“We didn’t come here tonight for blood.”
“You’re right, we came here to send a message. Why not mix it up a little?”
“Seeger has already shown this is the least of his problems. And while it may not be an issue yet, killing his family would elevate us to the top of his priority list. We don’t need the heat, with or without the documents in that safe. Besides, these two are the best shot we got for getting in.” Heart’s dander rose as he shot at Spleen, “Do you REALLY want to be the one responsible for us losing this opportunity?”
I stood watching on and the pain in my stomach doubled me over as the first twin puked as well. The bile rose in my mouth and my head swam. This was supposed to be a regular cruise but the boat was off-course, the tequila had run out, and we were taking on water starboard. Looking back into the circle I could see it wasn’t about to right itself.
Spleen stared back at Heart, steely and stoic, gripping the gun tighter. “Do we really need both of them? Let me and the Intestinals at the one, the other will open up like a book by time we’re done.”
My vision started to fuzz around the edges as I watched the twins pale faces go greener at the mention of violence. I couldn’t afford jail time tonight but just as much I wasn’t up to sorting out the conflict on hand. I put two and two together in my head and decided I was going to have to piss off everybody. Oh well.
"I decided I was going to have to piss off everybody. Oh well."
I pushed my way to the twins, throwing Spleen’s gun up and away, herding the limp bodies toward the bright lights at the entrance of the field. Spleen yelled something at me that I ignored and Heart started shouting at him. By time Stomach and the Intestine Twins had joined in I was moving the bald boys into the car and reversing out. I told them I knew a doctor who would see us. By the tilt of their heads I could tell they were as excited as I was. I got onto the road and drove right into the blackout ahead.
I woke up in the morning on a hospital bed. I was informed I pulled up to the emergency room entrance in an otherwise empty car and all the symptoms of appendicitis. Lucky me, I also happened to be the first person with double appendicitis on account of having the first double appendix. I spent the rest of my morning talking to the press, answering questions, and puking. Not necessarily in that order.